Going through it!

Well where do I start! I have been married for a year, and what a year it's been. Moved countries, changed jobs, living with a boy, and obviously being very pregnant. Not sure where the year has gone, or what I have achieved/given from and to it. Usually these thoughts reflect the start of a new year, now this happens twice in my life. At the end of a year and on an anniversary. I have failed in many areas of being a wife and am sure I will fail many more times, despite knowing all my shortcomings am thankful to my husband for being the rock that he is.

In a few weeks I am going to become a mother, not sure what that entails, or if I am ready. I am meant to be grown up, not have any feelings, needs or wants. Superwoman more like it. At the moment I can protect this living thing inside of me, soon I won't be able to. There will be a world of people and places that will challenge and help this person grow. I think of all the people that influenced my life and realise how important it is to have people around that know you in an intimate and close sense. At present that doesn't exist in my world. Am I enough?

I miss my surroundings, the surroundings I grew to love and enjoy. I want to share those with this little curled up bundle. Hopefully I will one day. I keep thinking what I want most for my baby, and the wish I give it, is to never fell alone or sad. I know that is impossible and I can't protect those situations, but please God, never let it feel as I do today.

Why is there another forecast for snow. It was just beginning to warm, be slightly sunny and the town was slightly coming back to life. People on their bicycles, walking dogs, and no big coats and boots. Yet snow is on its way. I am beginning to feel a real anxiety towards it, realising more and more that I am not a winter person, feeling the inspiration inside of me has died, maybe it has frost bite! I just want to come home, but have no idea where that is at the moment, am I really so displaced. Usually I can settle into a new place/country easily, however five months on and I still don't feel at home. I just have a bad feeling about this place, how do I justify that with no evidence? There is still no colour in my garden, no daffodils, no daisies, no leaves on the trees. I am told over and over again, that spring has never been like this, and usually things are all sprung up and green...well they are not. I look outside and the branches are still bare, the trees look grey and they grass has died. Apart from the mouldy bits, that will dry up and die soon too. Am beginning to think the desert of Namibia is a more beautiful scene!

I live in a house, that doesn't belong to anyone, nor do I have to wait till the bathroom is free, or make sure I look okay for doing a midnight run to the ladies room....What an odd concept! It does seem so alien to me. I think out of my whole life, which seems very long to me, longer to others, and shorter to a few, I have lived in my own space for perhaps a year, divided up into my long life. The rest of the time, I have always been aware of a others, sneaked up stairs, tried to remember the way round in the dark, and never put the hoover on before 10am. To think that I have free reign, I could actually hoover at five in the morning! Don't worry about Mr T, he sleeps through most things, all I need to do is close the door. Imagine, no one else in the house. I just can't get over that odd concept. How will I live without sharing someones milk, tea, coffee, sweets. I will end up eating a whole chocolate cake instead of leaving my flatmates to indulge. Mr T does not eat cake. And Saturday mornings without a gossip girly chat in pajamas....oh dear, this will be strange.
I wonder what the neighbours are like, and will take great pleasure describing them in great detail over the next few blogs. Think of me, and remember there is so much room it would be an offence if you don't come visit!

I arrived on Monday and somehow despite being so tired, I am still not sleeping. The only joy is the sunshine that radiates pure heat during the day. The cooler evenings are definitely a reminder that winter will be on its way soon.
Tomorrow, well actually today, I own a house! If I am honest, Trev owns the house and I just move in!
I don't think if anyone told me in August last year that I would be married...and married to Trev, living in Canada and having a house I would have believed them. So much has happened in such a short space of mind, and I feel like I am constantly playing catch up with me.
Being back in London was great, just to spend time wandering the streets of Camden, see my friends get married and having lots of wagamama and Nando moments!
Surprising myself I didn't spend the first day back here crying as I thought, but the tears seem to flow at three the following morning reading mails from my closest of friends.
On the plane I watched a very edited version of Sex and the City.... but I loved it. It reminded me how important it is to have people around you that will be there at any hour, that will be honest, make you laugh and share moments that might seem frivolous to some. These friends have helped me to grow, challenged me and shown me life with a difference, completely alien to what I have known. Thank you

It has been hot, beyond hot, no breeze, only sun and pure dry heat. To think that it will snow here, and people will ski seems slightly absurd. We have been finding ways to cool off, finding lazy chairs to test in Air Conditioned Furniture stores to kayaking in the Lake. Whilst been given great confidence to lounge in chairs, our instructions on kayaking tended to contain great detail and insight from the Kayak Man (KM). KM was in his fifties with the body of a bodybuilder sixteen year old, silver braces on his teeth, and a mini goatee below his bottom lip. After asking if we were 'familiar' with kayaking....and us answering with a confident yes...he then went into great detail where our legs should be, how to turn...and what to do if we capsized. To make our obvious ignorance even worse, he crouched down to our level, given explicit directions and instructions. Then with us both sitting down, launched us into the water, and pointed out a simple hour long journey that his grandson and him do everyday. We didn't capsize! But our skills did improve and Trev is now working towards getting the body of a fifty year old! (without the braces)

Since then we have attempted wakeboarding, which looked easier than it is. I was shocked that I managed to stand up on my first attempt, not that I was proud of myself, but definitely held my head a bit higher after watching everyone else trying very hard and fail at it dismally. My arms are killing me though, so much that I could barely lift my fork to eat. Lucas was definitely the star, and with skill and patience turn the boat round and round to bring back that wonderful piece of string to hold before having another go.

A typical weekend in Kelowna.

First of all I am shocked to say...but it is hot! Boiling, amazingly warm. There are hardly any grey clouds, and so far no rain.. Buses have bicycle racks at the front which I think the Mayor of London needs to think about. Am planning to tell him that in person! Not sure how yet.
I found Nandos but was not impressed...they only have hot or garlic sauce. I think that would need to be sorted before I came. The amount of Starbucks cafes are unbelievable...how many can one find in a road. Not a difficult challenge.
Driving on the right is slightly odd, and I am still too nervous to try on my own, or in any form of traffic, which usually consists of three or more cars.
Vancouver Island is absolutely stunning and watcHing whales has made me want to jump in and join the underwater world. I keep noticing how big the world is and how there is so much to see, so many people to meet and chat too.
Kelowna has its own little charm, flat, beautiful lake and open spaces. I still don't know whether we will be living here for six months or more, or none at all. Maybe the next two weeks will tell us. Everyone is so nice and smiley and sometimes I just don't want any help...
However despite all the beauty around me, I am missing my friends and family as well as the nuttiness of my London. Somehow it has become my home, my base where I live. So we will see. I am hoping for a clear sign...like a piece of paper to float down from the sky....PRAY PEOPLE PRAY!